Saturday, April 20, 2013

Jonah I feel Ya

Photo Credit: ABCiE
It's been almost a year since I've last written on this Blog, and it never ceases to amaze me that this is still my most popular website that I have ever created.

Of course having a couple of entries titled "Is Being a Groupie Bad?" and "How to get with a Baller" didn't fact I firmly believe folks are coming to my site by MISTAKE...oh well. Thank ya!! LOL.

But I did think that today I should update the three or four...or one other person who may have been wondering where I went on hiatus to. And the answer is no where, and EVERYWHERE all at the same time. I'm still very much a Virgin, (whew), but I do think I've changed a lot in these past few months. Unfortunately I have NOT changed where it counts.

I still don't trust people. And yes that is a general term. I still do not believe that most have my best interest in mind when they think of me, and so I do still hold most everyone out at an arms length. my smiles and laughter and antics are still used, quite well in fact, to distract most people from ever truly getting to know me. I still disappear on people without a moments notice thinking folks won't notice. It's a disease, and I've become so good at it that I really have to work at it just to realize when I'm doing it. But all of that is NOT the focus of my story for today. Today I am truly lamenting with my dear friend know the one from the Bible....the one who ran from God, got swallowed by a fish and spit back out after three days.....yeah that one, I totally feel him.

The story goes like this, God wanted me to do something...what He wanted me to do is not important, the fact is, is that it was simple well within my capabilities and would cost me nothing but my worthless pride.

.....Fine. He wanted me to ask someone for some money to help me pay my phone bill during a time when I had no income. I got pig headed, dug in my heals and refused. Instead, I tried alternative measures, all of which fell flat on their face, and caused me to become desperate, as the time for my phone bill was fast approaching. Now the thing is, is that when I become desperate, my form of fighting is to stop fighting altogether. I sit down, and literally say, "My life is worthless...God take me now."

I've asked Him numerous times, and I feel like He rolls His Beautiful eyes at me, and refuses to answer me. LOL. I'm a stubborn ass, and I like fair fights, and God has to remind me that fighting Him will NEVER be fair. Besides being stupid and well STUPID, fighting the One being who loves me more than I love myself is just plain dumb. But let's be for real, I continue in my win less battles, if nothing else to amuse my God who no doubt is still laughing at me, while simultaneously holding me close and saying, "Don't you know I LOVE you too much to let you destroy yourself?" Yep that's my God.

SO anyways...I refuse, my plans, fall short and then my period shows up. No biggie, it comes around every so often to remind me that I can still be impregnated, and then it leaves. But, on this occasion, I was deeply dehydrated because I had been depressed, and when I'm depressed I forgo eating and water, for super long, unhealthy stretches of time.

So when my ovaries and uterus begin contracting in that painful manner, my whole world dives into the deep end of the ocean, as waves and waves of nausea, pain, and cold sweats overtake me. I've broken a toe, fallen head first off my bike, gotten food poisoning, required stitches twice and have been attacked by a demon....that's a whole other enchilada....but I have NEVER felt anything like this. I was freezing cold with tons of covers on me in the late summer months of Georgia, and it felt like someone was reaching into my stomach and twisting my intestines and uterus around just for their sick and twisted enjoyment. Every breath, HURT. Needless to say after taking 6 hours of that pain, and of worrying those I love profusely, I finally asked the question God wanted me to ask, after I begged Him for the answer to how to make it all stop.

Less than 20 minutes all stopped.

Now maybe it was the Tylenol...but I doubt it, God released me from that hell, and I can now say I know exactly how God fights. And I should never come close to that again...but I know myself, and that's not likely. I'm a fighter, and God is the only opponent I know of that does everything for my benefit. Losing to Him is the best day of my life. I'd rather lose to Him than win in any other arena...which of course where the next battle is.

SO maybe I have battered women's syndrome???....but I doubt it, I actually come out feeling closer to my Love than like a piece of trash. And I guess I can say that for sure because it's the case that I feel that God will not allow me to destroy me...and that is a comfort in and of itself.

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