Monday, April 9, 2012

Where Trust Lies

I believe I have spoken candidly about my non-existant love life...I mean yeah!! But the bigger story probably isn't even in the realm of guy and girl interaction but rather my tortoise like movements to actually trust another human being enough to allow them into my heart enough that they could easily hurt me with a glance.

I have always been awkward, always been set apart and not quite insync with the rest of society no matter which branch of society it was. I've always been too brash and loud for conservatives, and too reserved and traditional for liberals. I wear too much makeup for naturalists, and not nearly enough for the chique sisters out there. My hair is too nappy for the glamourati and too soft and manageable for the Back to Africa Campaign. I am too much and not enough all at the same time...and in general I don't mind.

But this type of living and being does nothing for the soul when the soul longs to be understood by at least one other human being in this world.

And so, since College, I've embarked on the greatest challenge I know of, to understand what it truly means to be a friend and to desire to actually be a good one.

I say all of this, because I do believe that I'm beginning to turn over that leaf. I am beginning to understand friendship on a much deeper level that allows me to breath easier in it.

Obviously it isn't always a walk in the park.... In fact just last year I ticked off a good friend by lying to her about keeping a certain wall post from my Facebook wall. I told her I would...and then I put up a different but still similar post moments later.

Sometimes, I can't see past the red haze in my vision long enough to realize a truly destructive path. Not to be funny but I almost relish walking into chaos...especially when I had a hand in creating it. I like confrontations. I like getting stuff off of my chest, much to the chagrine of others I assure you.

I sometimes take no one else into account when I do these things, because I figure that I am the only one watching out for me. Even though my life has been roses and teddy bears compared to many others, it has not prevented me from believing some pretty nasty lies about the people in my life. Seriously.

The ony person to escape my rath has been my Mom who cannot remember who I am. Conversely all memories of her I cherish with a heart that holds onto the idea that she was the only person who actually did understand me better than I understood myself. Her comforting soul being gone has left me alone for sure....but not truly lonely since she also left me in the capable hands of my God who has never left me.

And although I trust Him more than I trust anyone who I've ever met, I still find myself doubting that the other beings He also loves (so He says), are going to do right by me. Sometimes I find that I am the only good hearted person out there...up until I turn into an evil wretch...smh. Anyway, It has taken me a LONG time, and I am still not fully there, but I am happy to say that I am willing to walk on the path, even if my steps are really, really...REALLY small.

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