Monday, February 20, 2012

I Am Ready For Love...?

I have to admit that yesterday, when I wrote the post about Tithing for a Husband, I was mad and frustrated at my sex for....everything. lol

It doesn't diminish, at least not in my eyes, what I wrote, but it does change something in me to see why I was so angry.

I guess the biggest reason why, is that I can relate, somewhat to the frustration with God over His seemingly errant ways where it comes to me and guys. As I've stated before, but needs to be stated again, I am a virgin...who has never been kissed, nor been in any serious or random relationship...period. I've not held hands with a guy, talked into the wee hours of the morning...with a sober guy, or revealed any Earth shattering information about myself with any male...alive or dead. And I'm thirty.

There may have been some opportunities, but I blissfully was whether unaware or pretended that I was blissfully unaware.

In all of this, I've made my share of mistakes...of writing a guy I liked to tell him that I liked him...without so much as having a decent conversation with him first. Yeah that killed that. But, looking back on it, I wouldn't change it. I was crazy for doing it, but then again, I am a little crazy, so yeah.

I came seconds of asking a good friend of mine out, who wouldn't have been my first choice, but I thought I'd be ok with that; until he blindsided me with information regarding the guy who WAS my first choice...and that was the end of that.

Then there was the guy who I didn't even know if I liked, but was willing to go to a nightclub with a friend to meet him there, only to be promptly introduced to his girlfriend....and THAT was the end of that lol. His girlfriend, it turned out, was probably one of the coolest people I've had the pleasure of meeting by the way...but that's neither here nor there.

There's the debacle of Playa Play On, which you can read all about by clicking on that link...and wala!!!! That was the end of that.

There have been other instances, that really had nothing to do with me, except that a guy believed that he fancied me, and I had to *gently* refocus his intentions!?! I was GENTLE!!!

But overall, when it has come down to it, whenever the words to that wonderful India Arie song comes bouncing through my head...I know that something is amiss.

Sad, but true.

Mostly because the only time that song gets to me is when I'm feeling lonely. When I am at the height of my own insecurities. When I start thinking of others in relation to what they can offer me.... then I KNOW that I am in trouble. I KNOW that I am about to do something insipidly STUPID.

It's only when I am thinking of ways that may take me outside of my comfort zone to help another person out, do I know that I am on the right path. It is only then, that I know that I am living off of the love that has been freely extended and given to me to give to others.

Anything else, or less is just me acting out of fear.

When I am truly ready, I suspect I'll be blindsided by it :-).


  1. Well, I certainly hope that if it is what you wish, that loves comes to you soon.

    1. Thanks Lady!!! Love comes in so many different ways, I just want to be open to that for now :-)....being content where I am...that is what I am trying hard to be lol