Love and Football

What exactly do girls who love sports do when they have been letdown by their heroes in Game 7's?
They ponder their own love lives, or lack thereof using sports analogies.

And this is exactly what happened tonight while talking on the phone.



Because of my success in staying platonic in 99% of my relationships with males, I'm the best at what I do. Literally. I mean the last one percent of those relationships shouldn't even be counted since I no longer talk to those guys because they refused to accept what I was offering.

But as I come into a stage of my life where I am actually interested in dating a guy I know, then I am getting the coaching of a lifetime by a friend who believes that my normal game-plan should be altered some, if not thrown out the window completely :-).

To give you some insight into what I mean, I'll give you the highlights of our conversation and in the process throw some football knowledge at ya. 'Cause really, football season is less than two months away, and preparation is KEY. So suit up and enjoy the game.

To begin with we're going to have to set up the NFL season, normally teams play 16 games and four preseason match-ups, making the grand total, 20. If you make it to the postseason you add, at most, 4 games to that total.

But if you're like me, whom she likened to the Indianapolis Colts, then you add only three games, because I came out of the AFC as the top team and so I got to skip the first round of the Playoffs.
In this scenario, my friend literally likened me to the most prolific offense in the game, until I get into the red zone, (20 yards to the end zone), then I get all willy-nilly and refuse to score.

I didn't really like this view of myself, because, let's be honest, I don't like being on offense. I never have. My favorite players in football have been the linebackers, defensive ends, safeteys and corner-backs of the team. My favorite teams have always been the ones with the best defense, so yeah I LOVED the Chicago Bulls of the Pippen and MJ era, and the '95 Atlanta Braves, I even loved the linebacking corpse of guys from the very team I hate the most...USC. So yeah, defense is sorta my thing.

So, I likened myself to the 1985 Chicago Bears, whose defense was coached by the one and only Buddy Ryan. His two sons are coaches in te NFL now, and his 49Defense was so prolific with the Bears that year, that they allowed the fewest points that year, and the fewest first downs, and shut down the running game of their opponents COMPLETELY.

This is the same team that came one game from going undefeated, unlike their New England Patriots counterparts, my team actually won the Super Bowl and actually recorded and released a song entitled the "Super Bowl Shuffle" the day after losing their perfect season in week 13 to the Miami Dolphins.

But I am getting a little sidetracked, because what I mean to say, is that I, with my ability to keep a guy at arms length at all times, am more like this team than any offensive team....EVER.

I mean, just like the Bears, I completely ignore the preseason, and am willing to lose three of the four contests, because preseason games don't count for anything. Likewise in the beginning I am usually nice, and polite, and will entertain almost any discussion without thought to the ridiculousness of listening to someone try and convince me of the roundness of love....idk...

But I've also been known to be a turd, completely unafraid of making enemies out of guys three times my size because they came off as a douche bag. It is this lack of fear that has enabled me to balance the power a little. I mean while the preseason really doesn't count for much...it does count. So if I can keep my starters on the sideline while the scrubs come in and compete for places on my amazing team....and win in the process, AWESOME, also it's a way to serve notice that even my back-ups are gonna beat you down so beware.

And let's be honest, most guys have only one main objective...to get laid. So if I can prevent guys from even flirting with me then I am stoked. But that is getting harder and harder the older I get.

So my defensive schemes have to be great, and they are, I'll look great one day, and a bum the next. I bait guys into throwing long passes that I pick off, by talking sports, and then taking over the conversation by knowing more than them. I smile often and hug big, but if they thought they were special, I then give the next dude the exact same treatment, thus letting them know, that I keep to my assignments and I don't wander off into the fanciful world of preferential treatment.

So, I have managed to defend screen-plays, bootlegs, option offenses (wild cats), triple options, running plays, deep balls, hand offs, trick plays (Boise), Statue of Liberties (Patriots), Jump passes (Tebow), and anything else thrown at me...literally and figuratively.

And therein lies my problem....

I am so good at defending...EVERYTHING, that I have to consciously stop playing defense in order to actually allow for there to be a game, which is actually what I have been preventing all these years...and I'm not sure that I know how...but we shall see.

The other part of this is, is that, I don't want to give the entire game away by taking my foot off of the gas pedal with my defense, giving away a TD or two in the first and third quarters are not bad ideas, besides it means that I'll constantly have to play at my best in order to eventually win.

So overall, I just want for there to be a game....and for me to WIN!!!