The Crazy Train

As I'm sitting here trying to figure out something to write about, because seriously, I've got zilch, all I can think about are my parents, who I just came back from visiting, and the fact that I would really like a relationship one day......

That, and the fact that I am GREAT at sabotage, so not likely!!! 



In fact it used to be said about me that I lived in a castle in my heart that was surrounded by a moat, a ten foot thick wall, another moat, a twenty foot thick wall, and plenty of nuclear missiles that I could launch if anyone even got remotely close to the twenty foot thick wall :-).

The description wasn't too far off either. LOL.

I was my very own dragon protecting my castle from the very Prince who was trying to free my heart from its clutches...oops.

Why all of the histrionics? Because I had a really hard time trusting people, let alone guys. But more than that, is the fact that I never really trusted my own emotions. And you add that with the crippling fear of being made to look like a fool, and you get the VirginDoll.

Don't get me wrong, I don't hide all of my emotions all of the time. I've never felt weird about crying in public or anything, but I would die before I let a guy know that I liked him.

In fact, I have told exactly one guy that I liked him, but then again, I stupidly thought I'd never see him again...and so my FaceBook rant didn't seem stupid at the time. Only recently have I been able to laugh about that episode, and it happened like, five or six years ago.
 
I actually am jealous of those who allow their hearts to open enough to allow another to affect them.

I'm actually scared stiff that I will go crazy analyzing and over-analyzing everything I say to a guy only to find out that the guy was just trying to get me to introduce him to a friend of mine or something equally devilish like that.

Add to this, my inexperience where relationships are concerned, and the crazy just builds upon itself.

Without the worry of trying to figure guys out, I am pretty good at life. Add in emotions, and I fear I'll become an imbecile.

Not sure where the fear comes from, but to say the least, seeing strong and confidant women in my life reduced to bubbling messes when one adds men to the equation might be the answer. I can't possibly think that I'll fare much better than they, right? At least not with my first relationship.

And this isn't to say that every female I've known who has been in a relationship has gone down this unfortunate route, but none who have been really close to me have fared too well, unless you count my Mom :-).

UUGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So, to say the least, in order to deal with my hyper sensitive fear of all things related to relationships, I talk and over-talk it, while actively avoiding the possibility of a relationship. How does one do that?...Start a Blog, talk a LOT, and then never be caught dead in an actual situation where you'd have to potentially exchange phone numbers with a guy. In case you're wondering, I'm three for three.

I guess this rant, isn't really a rant is it?
It's a question?

Question: How does one get over a phobia of relationships, without manufacturing one?
I am just now getting to the point where I feel I can trust others with my emotions, but guys are generally NOT who I mean when I say others.


Next time, I promise I'll have an actual story to tell, but today I couldn't even pretend to care about anything else but this.