Sometimes I Lie to Myself

Our Nation's Supreme Court..I think

Yep, I said it. Sometimes, out of self preservation, I lie to myself. I lie so that I can feel better about a certain thing, or in order to get my way, or just because. And sometimes I do it accidentally.

Like the time(s) that I said that I hated my period, and that I wished that it would go away and never come back. Yeah, that was a lie. I mean at the time I said it though, I was bloated, and in pain. My lower abdomen felt like like little elves were jumping up and down on my ovaries using pitchforks. And worse, whenever I found a comfortable position, finally, I'd have to get back up and change my mini diaper for women or tampon because I was continuously leaking blood like a bad faucet.


So, yeah I lied, but I didn't realize it until I went four months without my period and I started fearing all of the health complications that would go along with that. When I finally spotted blood in my clean undies, I thanked God for my return to womanly misery. SMH...but really I did.

Or there's the time that I asked God for some boy to like me in the fourth grade. In my mind I wanted this kid at school who was a year ahead of me named Marshall, but God gave me this annoying kid in my grade named Anthony. To say the least I was NOT happy. Nor did I think the switch very funny. In any case I was given a taste of what has become my curse of having those who I DON'T want, want me, and I promptly wanted to give that back. Much to my chagrin Ant stayed in my life for way too long of a time, but eventually I was given leave of him as well.

So, when I said that I'd prefer to go strait from being single to being engaged and married without the whole dating and courtship thing in between...I thought I was telling the truth. But just like countless US Presidents before and including Obama, I was made into a liar by all that I did not know.

That fact was made CRYSTAL Clear to me this past Easter Weekend as I contemplated ending my relationship with God over something as trivial as who I thought He had pre-ordained me to marry. To say the least I was pissed. And in the process of being pissed over something I could not control, I learned a great deal about myself. I want an engagement with a man whom I have not personally tested, like a lot of women want sex without foreplay. YEP...I pass.

As painful as I know the whole ordeal will likely be, I want that part, I want to be able to look at this guy and know that he actually had to think really hard about how to romance me in order to get me to pay him any mind at all. I want it all. So yeah, I've completely bamboozling myself when I say that I want to skip steps...I don't want to skip anything....although if I do get married and decide to have kids, I think I wouldn't mind skipping the whole pregnancy and birthing and go strait to the it's a Boy or Girl! part....:-)

Lessons Learned: Apparently none...
Lessons I SHOULD have Learned: Stop complaining about that which God has ordained
Problems:...see "lessons learned"