So I was watching Tough Love-Couples, last night on VH1 and I was chagrined but also fascinated by something the host, Steve Ward, stated, "A healthy sex life is essential for a happy relationship."
Really?!?!?
Well crap!!! I shall NEVER get married with this impasse..
Some Dude: "We need to have sex so that I know that we are truly compatible before I marry or even propose to you."
Me: "Good luck with that."
See what I mean?!?! I mean I'm laughing at the mere thought that sex MUST be introduced in order for the relationship to be "real". Crap I was born in the wrong time period....I believe I would be happy with having my Dad arrange a marriage for me, and me never meeting the guy until he lifted the veil from over my face, for the "You may kiss the bride" part.
Then again, knowing my Dad, he'd set me up with some dud who would prefer the World News section of the newspaper to the Sports page, that would be perfect for me, as I'd get the Sports all to myself. But on Saturday's in the Fall and Winter when he'd want me to do...anything, he'd be S.O.L!!! And if he grabbed the remote and turned the TV from the college football filled CBS, ABC, ESPN, ESPN2, or FoxSportsSouth, then I'd be calling my lawyer to draw up papers for a divorce...pronto!!!
So, asking my Dad to do the matchmaking wouldn't be my brightest idea. But surely someone would do a fantastic job....probably the same people who set me up on my first and only blind date.
It happened last year as I was trying to reconcile my Peter Pan syndrome and being as old as I am. It wasn't working too well, so I called a number I had and asked to be set up...Needless to say the person on the other line was WAY more excited than I was. And in less than a month I was being unwillingly coached on what to wear and what to say on this date.
It was like having Patti from Millionaire Matchmaker right there...except I didn't want the advice, but advice I did get.
To say the least I walked to my first date in shoes and a shawl that in any other occasion, I wouldn't be caught dead in. But in order to be a good sport, I allowed the makeover.
What kind of shawl was it?...Not sure, can't even really remember it. I didn't keep it for very long, cause it reeked of "This is not me!!!!!!!!!!!!" and "This is me playing dress up to try and not scare you away!!!" Literally that's what my goal for the night was, to not scare the guy away with the way I dressed.
Well that went bust. 'Cause don't you know, after looking "tame" and sophisticated, he didn't even show. And worse, he didn't even call me to let me know that he wasn't going to show either.
I could say that I was mad, but that would be a lie. I was relieved.
All I kept thinking, when I thought he was coming, was, "What if he likes this look on me, and thinks that I am some sophisticated Mama, when THIS is not me at all?" and furthermore, "What if I like him, but he thinks I'm too sophisticated for him?... crap, Crap, CraP, CRAP, double CRRRRAAAAAPPPP!!!!"
Well like I said, he didn't show, but a girlfriend who I hadn't seen in forever came by while I was waiting and we had a great night catching up on life. By the time I got home, I got a text?...I think he texted me..., doesn't matter, we communicated, and he apologized for the evening, offered an explanation, and asked for a do-over on the following evening.
I agreed, went in clothes that were loud, and admittedly mismatched, and had a great time. I was comfortable in my own skin, and I laughed, I flirted...I think, and I ate good food that night.
He talked about dunking a basketball, and I thought he was telling the truth, I mean Spud Web dunked, so why not him? He was into every sport....except baseball...game breaker. Stupid, I know, but at the time, I loved baseball.Even now, when I am at a baseball field it's like this magical place where the complicated real world doesn't exist. So not liking the game because it's slow....?.....game breaker.
I was yelled at about that too, for being petty, but I didn't and still don't care.
Doesn't matter anyway because we had a great time and then never spoke to each other again.
I didn't mind that either, I went on the date more to get my feet wet than to find Mr. Right. Laying aside my unfounded fears that dating would be horrible and awkward was the point of my evening. I am now cured of that phobia, but I shall not implore the same tactic for sex.. Besides it's not like I even fear sex, I don't, I fear the complications that arise from sex outside of a marriage.
When I was younger, read HS, I thought sex would be completely incompatible with me. I was completely afraid of that three letter word. I would read romance novels up until the first kiss and then throw them away. I knew, KNEW that I'd feel dirty after wards and worse that it would hurt each and every time. Telling me differently, which no one attempted to do...thankfully, would not have helped.
I had proof after all.
Tampons, you know those cotton filled things that are supposed to go in your va-jay-jay during your period, hurt...like Hades. On top of that they didn't even do their job. And those things were tiny, so no guy was getting near me.
(Years later I learned that the applicator was supposed to be removed before the tampon would work properly, my bad.I probably should have paid closer attention to the instructions. Again, my bad.)
Surprisingly enough, it wasn't my new found love for the tampon or anyone's "amazing" sex story that convinced me that sex was ok, and maybe even fun. Of all things, it was the Bible.
Song of Solomon to be exact. And after gagging countless times before finally being able to stomach that disgustingly, sappy book of the otherwise death, and war filled Holy Bible, I actually saw sex as a gift from God.
Now, I still don't dream of sex when I see a good looking guy, nope I dream of cuddling, clothes on.
But, I am no longer repulsed by the idea of having sex...one day....with my faceless, imaginary husband.
So lesson learned from Steve Ward?
Even geniuses can be wrong sometimes when it comes to dating and sex.
And Patti?
Even geniuses can be wrong sometimes when it comes to dating and clothes.
Moreover?
Logically these relationship experts make a ton of sense, but then again so do sociopaths, psychopaths and serial killers when you look far enough into their pasts. Trial and error may be must haves in our sex crazed society, but our species somehow survived without this paradigm for centuries, so I feel quite sane in holding onto my V card.
Obviously I have never been in a relationship, so I have never been tempted to want to let it go, but now that I'm chronicling this stuff in this blog, I feel as if I have even more of a reason to hold on to it.
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